The economy is so bad that ...

 

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEOs are now playing miniature golf. 

If the bank returns a check marked "Insufficient Funds," ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.

A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. 

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. 

Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

 

And, finally:

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., that I called the Mental Health Hotline.  It's been outsourced to a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck and knew how to find Times Square

 

Here's a cool, cool, cool video sent in by Wendy Galvan Paul, way out there in..... Clovis, Ca.  This is so funny and so true!  You will need to scroll down to the bottom of this page first and turn off the Juke Box first to hear it well.... sorry.   Thanks Wendy~ 

 

The Old Days

Were you a kid in the Fifties or earlier? Everybody makes fun of our childhood! Comedians joke. Grandkids snicker. Twenty year olds shudder and say "Eeeew!" But was our childhood really all that bad? Judge for yourself: 

In 1953, the US population was less than 150 million... yet you knew more people then, and knew them better... and that was good. 

The average annual salary was under $3,000... yet our parents could put some of it away for a rainy day and still live a decent life... and that was good.  A loaf of bread cost about 15 cents... but it was safe for a five-year-old to skate to the store and buy one... and that was good. 

Prime-Time meant I Love Lucy, Ozzie and Harriet, Gun Smoke and Lassie...  So  nobody ever heard of ratings or filters... and that was good. 

We didn't have air-conditioning... so the windows stayed up and half a dozen mothers ran outside when you fell off your bike... and that was good. 

Your teacher was either Miss Matthews or Mrs. Logan or Mr. Adkins...  but not Ms Becky or Mr. Dan... and that was good. 

The only hazardous material you knew about was a patch of grass burrs around the light pole at the corner... and that was good. 

You loved to climb into a fresh bed... because sheets were dried on the clothesline... and that was good. 

People generally lived in the same hometown with their relatives...  so "child care" meant grandparents or aunts and uncles... and that was good. 

Parents were respected and their rules were the law....  Children did not talk back... and that was good. 

TV was in black-and-white... But all outdoors was in glorious color... and that was certainly good. 

Your Dad knew how to adjust everybody's carburetor... and the Dad next door knew how to adjust all the TV knobs...  and that was very good. 

Your grandma grew snap beans in the back yard... and chickens behind the garage... and that was definitely good. 

And just when you were about to do something really bad... chances were you'd run into your Dad's high school coach... or the nosy old lady from up the street... or your little sister's piano teacher... or somebody from church....  all of whom knew your parents' phone number... And YOUR first name...  And even THAT was good!

REMEMBER... 

Send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys,  Laurel & Hardy, Abbott & Costello, Sky King, Little Lulu comics, Brenda Starr, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows  Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk as well as the sound of a real mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, playing cowboy, playing hide and seek and kick-the-can and Simon Says, baseball games, amateur shows at the local theater before the Saturday  matinee, bowling and visits to the pool...and eating Kool-Aid powder with  sugar, and wax lips and bubblegum cigars.

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that! 

And was it really that long ago? 

Thanks from Tom Esposito and Patti Peek Arceneaux-Conti

Summary of Life 

 GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.. 
 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 
 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 
 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 
 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap. 

 
 
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
 2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts 
 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.. 

 GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 
 
 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional... 
 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 
 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 
 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions... 
 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. 

 THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 

 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 
 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
 3) You are Santa Claus..
 4) You look like Santa Claus. 

 
SUCCESS:

 At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants. 
 At age 12 success is . . . Having friends. 
 At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license. 
 At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
 At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
 At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license. 
 At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends. 
 At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants. 
 

Barbie is 51 years old, it's about time someone revealed the truth about her life now. Thanks to Renee Vecellio Campanella

 
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
 

1.  Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
 
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
 
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
 
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
 
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
 
7. Things you buy now won't wear out..
 
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm .
 
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
 
10.  You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
 
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
 
12.  You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 

13.  You sing along with elevator music.
 
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
 
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
 
16.  Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
 
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
 
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
 
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. 

Forward this to every one you can remember right now!
 And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
 
 

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side .

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

 
  

Below is From Deb Martin McCabe (I wonder if this happened to her and she is changing the name to protect the innocent?):

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1969. WHY DO YOU ASK?' YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED-FACED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A- ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

I love this Doctor!  
 

Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?  
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap.  

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?  
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency.  What does cow eat?   Hay and corn.  And what are these?   Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?   
A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?  
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?  
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
         
Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you?   
A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?   

Q:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?  
A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.  

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?   
A:  Are you crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?   
A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?   
A:  Hey!  'Round' a shape!  

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And  remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!"
   
AND.....

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies.  

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.  

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of  sausages and fats  
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 

Submitted by Jan Finke Pleger

Why Dinosaurs are extinct:

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his  wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not  far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything they had for rides.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! 

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. 

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 

'I meant my dress size, you moron!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Pregnant at 61

 A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by  one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination  room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.  After listening, he had her sit down and told he to relax in another room while he verified the situation.

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.  "What's the matter with you?"  the older doctor demanded."Mrs. Terry is 61 years old, has four grown children and seven grand-children, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing  without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"     

From Stacy Romangnolo~ 

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:

                  CRAP......

                      I forgot what it was! 

                                                                                                       Hey, these guys don't look so old to me......

*****************************************************

> In case you missed it on 60  Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about 
> women over 50 
> 
> 
> As  I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few 
> reasons  why:
> 
> A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and  ask, 
> 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
> 
> If a woman  over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around 
> whining about it.  She does  something she wants to do, and it's usually 
> more interesting.
> 
> Women over  50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you 
> at the opera or in  the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you 
> deserve it, they won't  hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get 
> away with it.
> 
> Older  women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what 
> it's like to be  unappreciated.
> 
> Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess  your sins to a 
> woman over 50.
> 
> Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman  over 50 is far sexier than her 
> younger counterpart.
> 
> Older women are  forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you 
> are a jerk, if you are  acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where 
> you stand with  her..
> 
> Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons.  Unfortunately, 
> it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot  woman over 
> 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of  himself 
> with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
> 
> For all  those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for 
> free? Here's  an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against  
> marriage. Why?  Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to 
> get a little  sausage!
> 
> Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!
> Send  this to five fine, fun, fabulous, fancy-free female friends, or Men 
> who might  appreciate it too.
> 

Here we have hundreds of angry protestors gathering to protest Global Warming.  Doesn't this bring back the days of Berkeley protests?  

******************************************************************************

 Here's a video sent in by Linda Cannon Floyd 

Summary of Life . . .
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person..
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground..
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.


Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 

I found this explained a lot, and helped me accept something I have been having a problem with at schools I drive by:  

What is generation Y?

  
   Hmm,  I've always wondered this myself.. Now I know.  


-  The Silent  generation,  people  born before 1946. 
 
 - The Baby  Boomers, people born between 1946 and  1959. 
 

 - Generation  X, people born between 1960 and 1979.  

- Generation  Y,  people  born between 1980 and 2009  
 
 Why  do we call the last one generation Y? I did not know,  but a cartoonist explains it eloquently below...Learned  something new today!  
  

 

 

============================================================

Yes, I'm Getting Old....

But I would never trade my amazing friends, my  wonderful life, my loving  family for less gray hair or a flatter belly.  As I've aged, I've  become kinder to myself, and less critical of  myself. I've become my  own friend. I don't chide myself for eating  that extra cookie, or  for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I  didn't need, but  looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to  a treat, to be  messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before   they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer   until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those  wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish  to  weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging  body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to,  despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful.  But there again, some of life is  just as well forgotten. And I  eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart  not  break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or  even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car?  But broken  hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A  heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will  never know the  joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have  my hair turning  gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever  etched into deep  grooves on my face.

So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair  could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about   what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I   like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever,
but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what  could  have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat  dessert  every single day (if I feel like it).

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT   FROM THE HEART! 

===============================================================

Thoughts to ponder:

      1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately             clear your computer's history if you die.

 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

 

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

 

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

 

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

 

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

 

7. Map Quest needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

 

 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

 

 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

 

13.. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to the ten-page paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

 

 14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

 

 15. I hate it when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

 

 16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

 

 17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

 

18. My 4-year old grand son asked me in the car the other day "Grandma,  what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the heck do I respond to that?

 

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

 

 

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Have you ever wondered what happened to all those cute and crazy, good looking, young hippie chicks who did drugs, smoked weed, got tattooed everywhere during the Age of Aquarius back in the 60's?
 Well, wonder no more!
 

OK, that's just ugly isn't it?

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_ 

How Pumpkin Pie is Made:

 Well, another potty humor, Maybe this isn't appropriate, but it's hecka funny, Happy Turkey Day!

================================================================
 

 One for the old folks!  

And best of all OLD FRIENDS!!